If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
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Eating my way out of the ball pit.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I beg you to euthanise me
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.