If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
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5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Boom, boom, ching!
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave