Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

Windchimes

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!