If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for