If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
man: wait
time: no
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!