Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

🐦

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?