If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
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[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I can’t be the only one 😂
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
