If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
The three genders.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*