If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.