Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

The news in a nutshell.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought