If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
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Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
when dads have a rap battle
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.