@rutesperanza

If you use yahoo search engine, A really lonely nerd in his yahoo office frantically googles your request and then posts the results

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@Kryzazy

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

@Cpin42

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

@topshelftyson

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

@fro_vo

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

@Xoolun

Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I’m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.

@TheLastPeg

Your ‘Chemistry’ with your girlfriend is great if you remember her ‘Periodic Table’.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

@mrjohndarby

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

@U_Want_Shum_M8

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

@Parkerlawyer

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.