If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
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“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
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Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues