The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
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You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Banking tips
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.