Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

🤣🤣💀

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.