If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.
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Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.