If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
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Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas