Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Had an epiphany today.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child