If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
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I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again