If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”