If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
haha same
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.