If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
You Might Also Like
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
found my next D&D character name
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*