Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

Discuss

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.