Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

i love meeting boys on tinder

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.