If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
