Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

i- i did not expect this

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad