Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

Oceanography is all about current events

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.