If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
LMAO
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.