If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
this is uni
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.