If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
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Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister