If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
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Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
In case you needed to hear it:
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.