Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.