If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
You Might Also Like
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking