If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
You Might Also Like
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT