If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
he looks great for his age
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two