If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Breakfast for Stoners:
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
They did not think through this water fountain
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
🍛
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
the clam before the storm
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no