If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.