If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
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The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.