Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.