If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat