If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
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I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Get in loser we’re going crying
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.