If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
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government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.