If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
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[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
*puts cutlery down*
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave