Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?