If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
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Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?