If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
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I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
March 16
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.