If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
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I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!