Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

The Wolf of Wall Street.

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

“I really like Eminem.”

” I prefer smarties.”

“No, the rapper.”

“Why would you eat the wrapper?”

#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.