Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

A game married people play.

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is