Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.