If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
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6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Go hard or stay average
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
The only equipped I am is ill.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.