if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
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Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
White Castle for the Win
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time