Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

Netflix and you sit over there.

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.