Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

These are so Plastic Man-core

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?