If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
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Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I know this now 😂
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.