If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
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My blood type is b hungry.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My dad.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout