If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
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Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”