If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
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It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.