If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
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I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
This was the best day of my life
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting