Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

this has done me in for some reason

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”