Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

This will never not be funny 😭

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.