If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
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I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Probably my best painting.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.