If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
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“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Make me look younger
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news