If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
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My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Smooooooth
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”