If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
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Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight