If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
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Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My birthstone is pecan pie.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.