If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Happy Caturday!
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.