If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
You Might Also Like
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Stonehinge
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”