If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
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My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license