If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
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Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.