To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
If you want a pretty nurse, you’ve got to be patient.
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Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Me: Nope. No way.
[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.