”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
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My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Breaking news:
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.