if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
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FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away