if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
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Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*