Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

I used the label maker

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life