if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
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Best correction of the day, if not ever:
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???