if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
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MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.